Writing myself

I have expressed myself and worked through my feelings through writing since the age of ten or so. I have the notebooks. A very large plastic bin full of them.

One of the overwhelming themes of my writing is something I just realized while reading Sue Monk Kidd's book.

The more I realized my limitations in the world, the more characters in my stories became ones that could transcend those limitations. I wrote the most ghastly Mary Sue fanfiction, in which my Mary Sue character had a pair of bracers that let her travel between worlds. A lot of sappy romance stuff and some erotica was involved as she jumped through Star Trek, Forever Knight, Alien Nation, Star Wars, V, Beauty and the Beast, ST: TNG, Deep Space Nine, Babylon 5, Voyager, Hercules and Xena, etc., but the character over and over again put two things first in her life: her children, and her own journey. Romance came and went.

Not all my stories are fanfic, nor is all of it Mary Sue. The best of my writing still has the same theme: motherhood, and taking the journey.

In my own life, I've realized the motherhood part. But I stand in the path, my feet planted like they're in cement, afraid of giving up what little security I've found and the comfort of the familiar (however much I may dislike parts of it) to take the next step.

Part of it is fear that I don't know what the right step is. Fear of failure. Fear of doing it wrong. It's that little perfectionist inside my head.

At the same time, I know I can't keep standing still. Even my writing has stagnated.