Reading, thinking, and intuition

I think too much. Anyone who knows me will probably agree. I have a way of thinking about something so much that I simply procrastinate. I also distract myself, another form of procrastination.

I haven't been blogging because I've been busy reading, thinking, and trying to listen more to my intuition. Aside from fiction, which I turn to to keep me from OVER-thinking things, I've recently read:

The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and a psychaiatrist
The Dance of the Dissonant Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd

I'm still reading the second one. Both of them have spoken to me of my issues of late. Late? No, more like the past six years. Ever since I got out of the military, I've struggled to have control over my life. The Dalai Lama's words provided a quiet reminder that what I really need to have control over is my self. After all, what else can you really control? I can't control the people around me, can't make them into what I think they should be. So, I've been turning inward and focusing on myself.

Which brings me to Sue Monk Kidd. Her book talks about her feminist spiritual awakening. I loved the title, though I wasn't sure what I'd learn from her background. After all, didn't I shuck the patriarchal spiritual model when I was sixteen?

Well, yeah, I did to a point. But I've really lost touch with Goddess, especially my inner Goddess. In the Navy, I found a path that resonated with me. But I'm not a sailor, not a warrior any more, and need to find my feet again. I'm like a sailor who stepped off the boat but still feels it moving underneath.

The roles I've tried to step in to don't work. I've tried to make myself into some kind of conventional wife/mother person, and frankly that's not what my marriage was based on in the first place, and it's brought me to a point of stagnation.

Not that motherhood is anything but a joy. But it's not all I am, and I'm really not much of a supportive wife type.

I really do need to remake myself. And I can't do that while I'm trying to fit roles I don't belong in. I need to step back, claim some independence and some solitude in my physical space as well as my emotional space. I need to bond with other women, my mother, my sisters, my friends, and some maybe I haven't met yet. And I need to remake my marriage with David. He's not too keen on the stepping back process. But I need to feel like an independent person, not a dependent. I've been dependent on my parents, on Uncle Sam, on David. I need to step out and take some risks. On. My. Own.

Not that I won't have support and help, that's why I'm going back to my hometown, back to my family of origin. I need to find a balance in my relationship with my father--neither the Good Daughter who tries to shape herself to his expectations nor this tension/hostility I've felt the last couple of years. I need time to delve into my writing. And I need to support myself financially for a while, and deal with the Debt Monster on my own terms.

Once I do this, I can turn back to my marriage and have a real shot at being a partner, not a dependent. Things with David and I are actually pretty good right now, and I have the confidence to feel it's okay to leave. If things were bad, I'd be afraid of burning bridges. But regardless, I must cross, and hope that he finds the strength to keep moving forward and not trail off after me instead. There's another bridge further downriver.