Saturday, March 22, 2008
A politician actually made me cry...in a good way
http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/hisownwords/
Friday, November 30, 2007
Well, that was anticlimatic
I turned in my letter and they had no problems. Pity I had such a hard time getting the stupid letter at the TX store.
I missed work because I was sick. Oh, well. I didn't get time off from my important job.
I killed another car. Maybe I should just get my bike fixed.
I missed work because I was sick. Oh, well. I didn't get time off from my important job.
I killed another car. Maybe I should just get my bike fixed.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Going Home in Two Directions
I'm in a place where I can write about my life again. I've been on a sort of retreat. A very mundane sort of retreat, going to stay with my mother for several months. It's no cabin in the woods. But it was what I needed to do, and now I feel I can get on with life.
Yuletide is almost upon us, my favorite time of year. This year, I will be making a formal oath. As a Heathen, I do not take oathtaking at all lightly. I don't do it very often for this reason. However, I feel the need to make an offering to Frigga, and I feel an oath to her is in order. I'm still wording exactly what that oath will be, but it will involve being better at the biggest thing I've come to understand is important in life--my role as a wife, mother, and frithweaver. As a token of that oath I'm going to commit to doing something I've felt led to do for a long while but have only done patchily, and that is to go covered after the manner of matrons from time immemorial, including in ancient and medieval Heathen times. With my oath-taking I shall begin doing this full time.
The really fun part of this is that it is going to put me out there at work. I really think that with a well-drafted letter I'll not have trouble from this store as I did from the one I started at in Texas. There are a number of Muslim girls who work there in their hijab. The difficult part will be getting this large and obnoxious corporation to recognize that a non-doctrinal religion practiced outside the confines of a formal organization deserves recognition, despite the rather discriminatory (imo) wording of their dress code policy.
Yuletide is almost upon us, my favorite time of year. This year, I will be making a formal oath. As a Heathen, I do not take oathtaking at all lightly. I don't do it very often for this reason. However, I feel the need to make an offering to Frigga, and I feel an oath to her is in order. I'm still wording exactly what that oath will be, but it will involve being better at the biggest thing I've come to understand is important in life--my role as a wife, mother, and frithweaver. As a token of that oath I'm going to commit to doing something I've felt led to do for a long while but have only done patchily, and that is to go covered after the manner of matrons from time immemorial, including in ancient and medieval Heathen times. With my oath-taking I shall begin doing this full time.
The really fun part of this is that it is going to put me out there at work. I really think that with a well-drafted letter I'll not have trouble from this store as I did from the one I started at in Texas. There are a number of Muslim girls who work there in their hijab. The difficult part will be getting this large and obnoxious corporation to recognize that a non-doctrinal religion practiced outside the confines of a formal organization deserves recognition, despite the rather discriminatory (imo) wording of their dress code policy.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Writing myself
I have expressed myself and worked through my feelings through writing since the age of ten or so. I have the notebooks. A very large plastic bin full of them.
One of the overwhelming themes of my writing is something I just realized while reading Sue Monk Kidd's book.
The more I realized my limitations in the world, the more characters in my stories became ones that could transcend those limitations. I wrote the most ghastly Mary Sue fanfiction, in which my Mary Sue character had a pair of bracers that let her travel between worlds. A lot of sappy romance stuff and some erotica was involved as she jumped through Star Trek, Forever Knight, Alien Nation, Star Wars, V, Beauty and the Beast, ST: TNG, Deep Space Nine, Babylon 5, Voyager, Hercules and Xena, etc., but the character over and over again put two things first in her life: her children, and her own journey. Romance came and went.
Not all my stories are fanfic, nor is all of it Mary Sue. The best of my writing still has the same theme: motherhood, and taking the journey.
In my own life, I've realized the motherhood part. But I stand in the path, my feet planted like they're in cement, afraid of giving up what little security I've found and the comfort of the familiar (however much I may dislike parts of it) to take the next step.
Part of it is fear that I don't know what the right step is. Fear of failure. Fear of doing it wrong. It's that little perfectionist inside my head.
At the same time, I know I can't keep standing still. Even my writing has stagnated.
One of the overwhelming themes of my writing is something I just realized while reading Sue Monk Kidd's book.
The more I realized my limitations in the world, the more characters in my stories became ones that could transcend those limitations. I wrote the most ghastly Mary Sue fanfiction, in which my Mary Sue character had a pair of bracers that let her travel between worlds. A lot of sappy romance stuff and some erotica was involved as she jumped through Star Trek, Forever Knight, Alien Nation, Star Wars, V, Beauty and the Beast, ST: TNG, Deep Space Nine, Babylon 5, Voyager, Hercules and Xena, etc., but the character over and over again put two things first in her life: her children, and her own journey. Romance came and went.
Not all my stories are fanfic, nor is all of it Mary Sue. The best of my writing still has the same theme: motherhood, and taking the journey.
In my own life, I've realized the motherhood part. But I stand in the path, my feet planted like they're in cement, afraid of giving up what little security I've found and the comfort of the familiar (however much I may dislike parts of it) to take the next step.
Part of it is fear that I don't know what the right step is. Fear of failure. Fear of doing it wrong. It's that little perfectionist inside my head.
At the same time, I know I can't keep standing still. Even my writing has stagnated.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Reading, thinking, and intuition
I think too much. Anyone who knows me will probably agree. I have a way of thinking about something so much that I simply procrastinate. I also distract myself, another form of procrastination.
I haven't been blogging because I've been busy reading, thinking, and trying to listen more to my intuition. Aside from fiction, which I turn to to keep me from OVER-thinking things, I've recently read:
The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and a psychaiatrist
The Dance of the Dissonant Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd
I'm still reading the second one. Both of them have spoken to me of my issues of late. Late? No, more like the past six years. Ever since I got out of the military, I've struggled to have control over my life. The Dalai Lama's words provided a quiet reminder that what I really need to have control over is my self. After all, what else can you really control? I can't control the people around me, can't make them into what I think they should be. So, I've been turning inward and focusing on myself.
Which brings me to Sue Monk Kidd. Her book talks about her feminist spiritual awakening. I loved the title, though I wasn't sure what I'd learn from her background. After all, didn't I shuck the patriarchal spiritual model when I was sixteen?
Well, yeah, I did to a point. But I've really lost touch with Goddess, especially my inner Goddess. In the Navy, I found a path that resonated with me. But I'm not a sailor, not a warrior any more, and need to find my feet again. I'm like a sailor who stepped off the boat but still feels it moving underneath.
The roles I've tried to step in to don't work. I've tried to make myself into some kind of conventional wife/mother person, and frankly that's not what my marriage was based on in the first place, and it's brought me to a point of stagnation.
Not that motherhood is anything but a joy. But it's not all I am, and I'm really not much of a supportive wife type.
I really do need to remake myself. And I can't do that while I'm trying to fit roles I don't belong in. I need to step back, claim some independence and some solitude in my physical space as well as my emotional space. I need to bond with other women, my mother, my sisters, my friends, and some maybe I haven't met yet. And I need to remake my marriage with David. He's not too keen on the stepping back process. But I need to feel like an independent person, not a dependent. I've been dependent on my parents, on Uncle Sam, on David. I need to step out and take some risks. On. My. Own.
Not that I won't have support and help, that's why I'm going back to my hometown, back to my family of origin. I need to find a balance in my relationship with my father--neither the Good Daughter who tries to shape herself to his expectations nor this tension/hostility I've felt the last couple of years. I need time to delve into my writing. And I need to support myself financially for a while, and deal with the Debt Monster on my own terms.
Once I do this, I can turn back to my marriage and have a real shot at being a partner, not a dependent. Things with David and I are actually pretty good right now, and I have the confidence to feel it's okay to leave. If things were bad, I'd be afraid of burning bridges. But regardless, I must cross, and hope that he finds the strength to keep moving forward and not trail off after me instead. There's another bridge further downriver.
I haven't been blogging because I've been busy reading, thinking, and trying to listen more to my intuition. Aside from fiction, which I turn to to keep me from OVER-thinking things, I've recently read:
The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and a psychaiatrist
The Dance of the Dissonant Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd
I'm still reading the second one. Both of them have spoken to me of my issues of late. Late? No, more like the past six years. Ever since I got out of the military, I've struggled to have control over my life. The Dalai Lama's words provided a quiet reminder that what I really need to have control over is my self. After all, what else can you really control? I can't control the people around me, can't make them into what I think they should be. So, I've been turning inward and focusing on myself.
Which brings me to Sue Monk Kidd. Her book talks about her feminist spiritual awakening. I loved the title, though I wasn't sure what I'd learn from her background. After all, didn't I shuck the patriarchal spiritual model when I was sixteen?
Well, yeah, I did to a point. But I've really lost touch with Goddess, especially my inner Goddess. In the Navy, I found a path that resonated with me. But I'm not a sailor, not a warrior any more, and need to find my feet again. I'm like a sailor who stepped off the boat but still feels it moving underneath.
The roles I've tried to step in to don't work. I've tried to make myself into some kind of conventional wife/mother person, and frankly that's not what my marriage was based on in the first place, and it's brought me to a point of stagnation.
Not that motherhood is anything but a joy. But it's not all I am, and I'm really not much of a supportive wife type.
I really do need to remake myself. And I can't do that while I'm trying to fit roles I don't belong in. I need to step back, claim some independence and some solitude in my physical space as well as my emotional space. I need to bond with other women, my mother, my sisters, my friends, and some maybe I haven't met yet. And I need to remake my marriage with David. He's not too keen on the stepping back process. But I need to feel like an independent person, not a dependent. I've been dependent on my parents, on Uncle Sam, on David. I need to step out and take some risks. On. My. Own.
Not that I won't have support and help, that's why I'm going back to my hometown, back to my family of origin. I need to find a balance in my relationship with my father--neither the Good Daughter who tries to shape herself to his expectations nor this tension/hostility I've felt the last couple of years. I need time to delve into my writing. And I need to support myself financially for a while, and deal with the Debt Monster on my own terms.
Once I do this, I can turn back to my marriage and have a real shot at being a partner, not a dependent. Things with David and I are actually pretty good right now, and I have the confidence to feel it's okay to leave. If things were bad, I'd be afraid of burning bridges. But regardless, I must cross, and hope that he finds the strength to keep moving forward and not trail off after me instead. There's another bridge further downriver.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
What do I believe?
I came across this essay in an old journal dating to 1997. At that time I was living in Florida, active in Runehaven Kindred, and facing possible medical discharge from the Navy. I fought the discharge and won.
Spiritually I was probably at my most content of my entire adult life. Given my current semi-seeker status, I thought it might be good to contemplate what my 20 year old younger self believed.
What do I believe?
1. I believe there are many paths to spiritual fulfillment.
2. I believe we have many lives in which to learn the lessons of this world.
3. I believe the Gods are those who walked the path before us, then turned back to show us the way.
4. I believe I must walk my path myself. I may get a nudge every now and then, a hand to help me when I stumble, but I must make the journey under my own power.
5. I believe in adhering to the Nine Noble Virtues: Truth, Courage, Honor, Perseverance, HOspitality, Self-reliance, Fidelity, Industriousness, and Discipline.
6. I believe Freya and Odin especially are my guides on the path which is becoming.
7. I believe there is much to be learned in this life.
8. I believe the world is a good place, and getting better all the time.
9. I believe the cosmic purpose of the human race is to spread terrestrial life into the galaxy, and will forward that goal in any way I can.
10. I believe children are the greatest legacy anyone can leave the future. All the accomplishments we have achieved will mean nothing if we are extinct.
11. I believe the human race is still evolving.
12. I believe love is to be shared with many and not just one.
13. I believe there is safety in numbers. It is good to have companions when travelling my path, though some parts I must travel in solitude.
14. I believe we we will suffer another major setback--the Third World War, Ragnarok. I will work in every way I can to delay this, then I will do my share to fight the good fight.
So, that was my spiritual manifesto at age 20. How does it match up with now?
1. The same. The problem remains figuring out which path I belong on.
2. THe same, pretty much. Really I'm pretty agnostic on this point.
3. Notable to me is that at my most content with my religion I didn't actually view the Gods as the Divine, per se. Actually had very little thought about Divinity at all, at least in my manifesto. Now? I lean towards monolatry: the Divine shows us many faces to help us on our path, these aspects being referred to as the Gods and Goddesses of the different religions. I also wonder if I'm spiritually mature enough to bypass the myriad faces of it and directly contemplate the Divine.
4. I still believe this. Indeed, I'm getting nudged now.
5. I still consider these virtues important and at the core of my expression of morality. Not that I'm always very good at adhering to them.
6. I maintain my special relationship with Odin, but not so much with Freya as my life has changed. I'm no longer a single woman and a warrior, I'm a matron and a mother. I think I'll always be a scholar and creative with words, my other bonds with Odin, though, regardless of whether I think he's a God, a face of the Divine, or an ancestral spirit who turns back to give me a helping hand.
7. The same.
8. More or less. I'm not quite the optimist I was in my youth.
9. I still rather believe this, but I don't think it will be our civilization that pulls it off. We have too many problems here to fix first. It certainly won't get going in my lifetime.
10. Absolutely
11. Yes, but with the caveat that evolution is not directional. We are evolving, but not necessarily on some sort of inevitable upward/forward path.
12. Yes, but I have also come to realize that it is only the rare and fortunate who are blessed with multiple partners, and that love is work, too, when you love people and not just your idea of them.
13. Yes, but I've been on a lone road spiritually for quite a while now. Really could use some of that companionship again, but need to figure myself out and what this nudge means first.
14. Sort of. In keeping with my recognition of the lack of directionality to evolution, I see the rise and fall of human civilization as somewhat cyclical. Hopefully the next curve will proceed in a spiral and not just loop back on us. Though frankly as a mother I have other priorities than fighting the good fight if it comes to it. I'll get out of Dodge first, and/or concern myself only with the defense of my kin. I'll fight for the future of my daughter and any future children with all that's in me. The rest of the world can go to metaphorical hell in a handbasket.
Spiritually I was probably at my most content of my entire adult life. Given my current semi-seeker status, I thought it might be good to contemplate what my 20 year old younger self believed.
What do I believe?
1. I believe there are many paths to spiritual fulfillment.
2. I believe we have many lives in which to learn the lessons of this world.
3. I believe the Gods are those who walked the path before us, then turned back to show us the way.
4. I believe I must walk my path myself. I may get a nudge every now and then, a hand to help me when I stumble, but I must make the journey under my own power.
5. I believe in adhering to the Nine Noble Virtues: Truth, Courage, Honor, Perseverance, HOspitality, Self-reliance, Fidelity, Industriousness, and Discipline.
6. I believe Freya and Odin especially are my guides on the path which is becoming.
7. I believe there is much to be learned in this life.
8. I believe the world is a good place, and getting better all the time.
9. I believe the cosmic purpose of the human race is to spread terrestrial life into the galaxy, and will forward that goal in any way I can.
10. I believe children are the greatest legacy anyone can leave the future. All the accomplishments we have achieved will mean nothing if we are extinct.
11. I believe the human race is still evolving.
12. I believe love is to be shared with many and not just one.
13. I believe there is safety in numbers. It is good to have companions when travelling my path, though some parts I must travel in solitude.
14. I believe we we will suffer another major setback--the Third World War, Ragnarok. I will work in every way I can to delay this, then I will do my share to fight the good fight.
So, that was my spiritual manifesto at age 20. How does it match up with now?
1. The same. The problem remains figuring out which path I belong on.
2. THe same, pretty much. Really I'm pretty agnostic on this point.
3. Notable to me is that at my most content with my religion I didn't actually view the Gods as the Divine, per se. Actually had very little thought about Divinity at all, at least in my manifesto. Now? I lean towards monolatry: the Divine shows us many faces to help us on our path, these aspects being referred to as the Gods and Goddesses of the different religions. I also wonder if I'm spiritually mature enough to bypass the myriad faces of it and directly contemplate the Divine.
4. I still believe this. Indeed, I'm getting nudged now.
5. I still consider these virtues important and at the core of my expression of morality. Not that I'm always very good at adhering to them.
6. I maintain my special relationship with Odin, but not so much with Freya as my life has changed. I'm no longer a single woman and a warrior, I'm a matron and a mother. I think I'll always be a scholar and creative with words, my other bonds with Odin, though, regardless of whether I think he's a God, a face of the Divine, or an ancestral spirit who turns back to give me a helping hand.
7. The same.
8. More or less. I'm not quite the optimist I was in my youth.
9. I still rather believe this, but I don't think it will be our civilization that pulls it off. We have too many problems here to fix first. It certainly won't get going in my lifetime.
10. Absolutely
11. Yes, but with the caveat that evolution is not directional. We are evolving, but not necessarily on some sort of inevitable upward/forward path.
12. Yes, but I have also come to realize that it is only the rare and fortunate who are blessed with multiple partners, and that love is work, too, when you love people and not just your idea of them.
13. Yes, but I've been on a lone road spiritually for quite a while now. Really could use some of that companionship again, but need to figure myself out and what this nudge means first.
14. Sort of. In keeping with my recognition of the lack of directionality to evolution, I see the rise and fall of human civilization as somewhat cyclical. Hopefully the next curve will proceed in a spiral and not just loop back on us. Though frankly as a mother I have other priorities than fighting the good fight if it comes to it. I'll get out of Dodge first, and/or concern myself only with the defense of my kin. I'll fight for the future of my daughter and any future children with all that's in me. The rest of the world can go to metaphorical hell in a handbasket.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Belief-o-matic
Beliefnet has a quiz that identifies religions closest to one's stated beliefs. Yeah, a bit hokey, but kind of helps me identify what's going on in my head.
Here were my results this afternoon, everything that rated over 75%:
1. Bahá'í Faith (100%)
2. Sikhism (96%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (95%)
4. Neo-Pagan (94%)
5. Reform Judaism (92%)
6. Mahayana Buddhism (92%)
7. Liberal Quakers (90%)
8. Jainism (89%)
9. Orthodox Judaism (88%)
10. Islam (84%)
The results the LAST time I took the quiz:
1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. Sikhism (97%)
3. Reform Judaism (95%)
4. Bahá'í Faith (94%)
5. Mahayana Buddhism (92%)
6. Orthodox Judaism (92%)
7. Hinduism (90%)
8. Jainism (84%)
9. Unitarian Universalism (83%)
10. Islam (81%)
11. Liberal Quakers (81%)
12. New Age (76%)
So...my thoughts and feelings are less in line with Neo-Paganism than before. Baha'i got the highest rate. I know a little bit about them, I suppose it's not too surprising, though any prophetic religion that young kind of makes me go hmmm.
The list this time was shorter, and Islam, which I've been reading about a lot lately, has climbed in the ranks.
Here were my results this afternoon, everything that rated over 75%:
1. Bahá'í Faith (100%)
2. Sikhism (96%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (95%)
4. Neo-Pagan (94%)
5. Reform Judaism (92%)
6. Mahayana Buddhism (92%)
7. Liberal Quakers (90%)
8. Jainism (89%)
9. Orthodox Judaism (88%)
10. Islam (84%)
The results the LAST time I took the quiz:
1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. Sikhism (97%)
3. Reform Judaism (95%)
4. Bahá'í Faith (94%)
5. Mahayana Buddhism (92%)
6. Orthodox Judaism (92%)
7. Hinduism (90%)
8. Jainism (84%)
9. Unitarian Universalism (83%)
10. Islam (81%)
11. Liberal Quakers (81%)
12. New Age (76%)
So...my thoughts and feelings are less in line with Neo-Paganism than before. Baha'i got the highest rate. I know a little bit about them, I suppose it's not too surprising, though any prophetic religion that young kind of makes me go hmmm.
The list this time was shorter, and Islam, which I've been reading about a lot lately, has climbed in the ranks.
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