Saturday, March 22, 2008
A politician actually made me cry...in a good way
http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/hisownwords/
Friday, November 30, 2007
Well, that was anticlimatic
I turned in my letter and they had no problems. Pity I had such a hard time getting the stupid letter at the TX store.
I missed work because I was sick. Oh, well. I didn't get time off from my important job.
I killed another car. Maybe I should just get my bike fixed.
I missed work because I was sick. Oh, well. I didn't get time off from my important job.
I killed another car. Maybe I should just get my bike fixed.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Going Home in Two Directions
I'm in a place where I can write about my life again. I've been on a sort of retreat. A very mundane sort of retreat, going to stay with my mother for several months. It's no cabin in the woods. But it was what I needed to do, and now I feel I can get on with life.
Yuletide is almost upon us, my favorite time of year. This year, I will be making a formal oath. As a Heathen, I do not take oathtaking at all lightly. I don't do it very often for this reason. However, I feel the need to make an offering to Frigga, and I feel an oath to her is in order. I'm still wording exactly what that oath will be, but it will involve being better at the biggest thing I've come to understand is important in life--my role as a wife, mother, and frithweaver. As a token of that oath I'm going to commit to doing something I've felt led to do for a long while but have only done patchily, and that is to go covered after the manner of matrons from time immemorial, including in ancient and medieval Heathen times. With my oath-taking I shall begin doing this full time.
The really fun part of this is that it is going to put me out there at work. I really think that with a well-drafted letter I'll not have trouble from this store as I did from the one I started at in Texas. There are a number of Muslim girls who work there in their hijab. The difficult part will be getting this large and obnoxious corporation to recognize that a non-doctrinal religion practiced outside the confines of a formal organization deserves recognition, despite the rather discriminatory (imo) wording of their dress code policy.
Yuletide is almost upon us, my favorite time of year. This year, I will be making a formal oath. As a Heathen, I do not take oathtaking at all lightly. I don't do it very often for this reason. However, I feel the need to make an offering to Frigga, and I feel an oath to her is in order. I'm still wording exactly what that oath will be, but it will involve being better at the biggest thing I've come to understand is important in life--my role as a wife, mother, and frithweaver. As a token of that oath I'm going to commit to doing something I've felt led to do for a long while but have only done patchily, and that is to go covered after the manner of matrons from time immemorial, including in ancient and medieval Heathen times. With my oath-taking I shall begin doing this full time.
The really fun part of this is that it is going to put me out there at work. I really think that with a well-drafted letter I'll not have trouble from this store as I did from the one I started at in Texas. There are a number of Muslim girls who work there in their hijab. The difficult part will be getting this large and obnoxious corporation to recognize that a non-doctrinal religion practiced outside the confines of a formal organization deserves recognition, despite the rather discriminatory (imo) wording of their dress code policy.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Writing myself
I have expressed myself and worked through my feelings through writing since the age of ten or so. I have the notebooks. A very large plastic bin full of them.
One of the overwhelming themes of my writing is something I just realized while reading Sue Monk Kidd's book.
The more I realized my limitations in the world, the more characters in my stories became ones that could transcend those limitations. I wrote the most ghastly Mary Sue fanfiction, in which my Mary Sue character had a pair of bracers that let her travel between worlds. A lot of sappy romance stuff and some erotica was involved as she jumped through Star Trek, Forever Knight, Alien Nation, Star Wars, V, Beauty and the Beast, ST: TNG, Deep Space Nine, Babylon 5, Voyager, Hercules and Xena, etc., but the character over and over again put two things first in her life: her children, and her own journey. Romance came and went.
Not all my stories are fanfic, nor is all of it Mary Sue. The best of my writing still has the same theme: motherhood, and taking the journey.
In my own life, I've realized the motherhood part. But I stand in the path, my feet planted like they're in cement, afraid of giving up what little security I've found and the comfort of the familiar (however much I may dislike parts of it) to take the next step.
Part of it is fear that I don't know what the right step is. Fear of failure. Fear of doing it wrong. It's that little perfectionist inside my head.
At the same time, I know I can't keep standing still. Even my writing has stagnated.
One of the overwhelming themes of my writing is something I just realized while reading Sue Monk Kidd's book.
The more I realized my limitations in the world, the more characters in my stories became ones that could transcend those limitations. I wrote the most ghastly Mary Sue fanfiction, in which my Mary Sue character had a pair of bracers that let her travel between worlds. A lot of sappy romance stuff and some erotica was involved as she jumped through Star Trek, Forever Knight, Alien Nation, Star Wars, V, Beauty and the Beast, ST: TNG, Deep Space Nine, Babylon 5, Voyager, Hercules and Xena, etc., but the character over and over again put two things first in her life: her children, and her own journey. Romance came and went.
Not all my stories are fanfic, nor is all of it Mary Sue. The best of my writing still has the same theme: motherhood, and taking the journey.
In my own life, I've realized the motherhood part. But I stand in the path, my feet planted like they're in cement, afraid of giving up what little security I've found and the comfort of the familiar (however much I may dislike parts of it) to take the next step.
Part of it is fear that I don't know what the right step is. Fear of failure. Fear of doing it wrong. It's that little perfectionist inside my head.
At the same time, I know I can't keep standing still. Even my writing has stagnated.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Reading, thinking, and intuition
I think too much. Anyone who knows me will probably agree. I have a way of thinking about something so much that I simply procrastinate. I also distract myself, another form of procrastination.
I haven't been blogging because I've been busy reading, thinking, and trying to listen more to my intuition. Aside from fiction, which I turn to to keep me from OVER-thinking things, I've recently read:
The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and a psychaiatrist
The Dance of the Dissonant Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd
I'm still reading the second one. Both of them have spoken to me of my issues of late. Late? No, more like the past six years. Ever since I got out of the military, I've struggled to have control over my life. The Dalai Lama's words provided a quiet reminder that what I really need to have control over is my self. After all, what else can you really control? I can't control the people around me, can't make them into what I think they should be. So, I've been turning inward and focusing on myself.
Which brings me to Sue Monk Kidd. Her book talks about her feminist spiritual awakening. I loved the title, though I wasn't sure what I'd learn from her background. After all, didn't I shuck the patriarchal spiritual model when I was sixteen?
Well, yeah, I did to a point. But I've really lost touch with Goddess, especially my inner Goddess. In the Navy, I found a path that resonated with me. But I'm not a sailor, not a warrior any more, and need to find my feet again. I'm like a sailor who stepped off the boat but still feels it moving underneath.
The roles I've tried to step in to don't work. I've tried to make myself into some kind of conventional wife/mother person, and frankly that's not what my marriage was based on in the first place, and it's brought me to a point of stagnation.
Not that motherhood is anything but a joy. But it's not all I am, and I'm really not much of a supportive wife type.
I really do need to remake myself. And I can't do that while I'm trying to fit roles I don't belong in. I need to step back, claim some independence and some solitude in my physical space as well as my emotional space. I need to bond with other women, my mother, my sisters, my friends, and some maybe I haven't met yet. And I need to remake my marriage with David. He's not too keen on the stepping back process. But I need to feel like an independent person, not a dependent. I've been dependent on my parents, on Uncle Sam, on David. I need to step out and take some risks. On. My. Own.
Not that I won't have support and help, that's why I'm going back to my hometown, back to my family of origin. I need to find a balance in my relationship with my father--neither the Good Daughter who tries to shape herself to his expectations nor this tension/hostility I've felt the last couple of years. I need time to delve into my writing. And I need to support myself financially for a while, and deal with the Debt Monster on my own terms.
Once I do this, I can turn back to my marriage and have a real shot at being a partner, not a dependent. Things with David and I are actually pretty good right now, and I have the confidence to feel it's okay to leave. If things were bad, I'd be afraid of burning bridges. But regardless, I must cross, and hope that he finds the strength to keep moving forward and not trail off after me instead. There's another bridge further downriver.
I haven't been blogging because I've been busy reading, thinking, and trying to listen more to my intuition. Aside from fiction, which I turn to to keep me from OVER-thinking things, I've recently read:
The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and a psychaiatrist
The Dance of the Dissonant Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd
I'm still reading the second one. Both of them have spoken to me of my issues of late. Late? No, more like the past six years. Ever since I got out of the military, I've struggled to have control over my life. The Dalai Lama's words provided a quiet reminder that what I really need to have control over is my self. After all, what else can you really control? I can't control the people around me, can't make them into what I think they should be. So, I've been turning inward and focusing on myself.
Which brings me to Sue Monk Kidd. Her book talks about her feminist spiritual awakening. I loved the title, though I wasn't sure what I'd learn from her background. After all, didn't I shuck the patriarchal spiritual model when I was sixteen?
Well, yeah, I did to a point. But I've really lost touch with Goddess, especially my inner Goddess. In the Navy, I found a path that resonated with me. But I'm not a sailor, not a warrior any more, and need to find my feet again. I'm like a sailor who stepped off the boat but still feels it moving underneath.
The roles I've tried to step in to don't work. I've tried to make myself into some kind of conventional wife/mother person, and frankly that's not what my marriage was based on in the first place, and it's brought me to a point of stagnation.
Not that motherhood is anything but a joy. But it's not all I am, and I'm really not much of a supportive wife type.
I really do need to remake myself. And I can't do that while I'm trying to fit roles I don't belong in. I need to step back, claim some independence and some solitude in my physical space as well as my emotional space. I need to bond with other women, my mother, my sisters, my friends, and some maybe I haven't met yet. And I need to remake my marriage with David. He's not too keen on the stepping back process. But I need to feel like an independent person, not a dependent. I've been dependent on my parents, on Uncle Sam, on David. I need to step out and take some risks. On. My. Own.
Not that I won't have support and help, that's why I'm going back to my hometown, back to my family of origin. I need to find a balance in my relationship with my father--neither the Good Daughter who tries to shape herself to his expectations nor this tension/hostility I've felt the last couple of years. I need time to delve into my writing. And I need to support myself financially for a while, and deal with the Debt Monster on my own terms.
Once I do this, I can turn back to my marriage and have a real shot at being a partner, not a dependent. Things with David and I are actually pretty good right now, and I have the confidence to feel it's okay to leave. If things were bad, I'd be afraid of burning bridges. But regardless, I must cross, and hope that he finds the strength to keep moving forward and not trail off after me instead. There's another bridge further downriver.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
What do I believe?
I came across this essay in an old journal dating to 1997. At that time I was living in Florida, active in Runehaven Kindred, and facing possible medical discharge from the Navy. I fought the discharge and won.
Spiritually I was probably at my most content of my entire adult life. Given my current semi-seeker status, I thought it might be good to contemplate what my 20 year old younger self believed.
What do I believe?
1. I believe there are many paths to spiritual fulfillment.
2. I believe we have many lives in which to learn the lessons of this world.
3. I believe the Gods are those who walked the path before us, then turned back to show us the way.
4. I believe I must walk my path myself. I may get a nudge every now and then, a hand to help me when I stumble, but I must make the journey under my own power.
5. I believe in adhering to the Nine Noble Virtues: Truth, Courage, Honor, Perseverance, HOspitality, Self-reliance, Fidelity, Industriousness, and Discipline.
6. I believe Freya and Odin especially are my guides on the path which is becoming.
7. I believe there is much to be learned in this life.
8. I believe the world is a good place, and getting better all the time.
9. I believe the cosmic purpose of the human race is to spread terrestrial life into the galaxy, and will forward that goal in any way I can.
10. I believe children are the greatest legacy anyone can leave the future. All the accomplishments we have achieved will mean nothing if we are extinct.
11. I believe the human race is still evolving.
12. I believe love is to be shared with many and not just one.
13. I believe there is safety in numbers. It is good to have companions when travelling my path, though some parts I must travel in solitude.
14. I believe we we will suffer another major setback--the Third World War, Ragnarok. I will work in every way I can to delay this, then I will do my share to fight the good fight.
So, that was my spiritual manifesto at age 20. How does it match up with now?
1. The same. The problem remains figuring out which path I belong on.
2. THe same, pretty much. Really I'm pretty agnostic on this point.
3. Notable to me is that at my most content with my religion I didn't actually view the Gods as the Divine, per se. Actually had very little thought about Divinity at all, at least in my manifesto. Now? I lean towards monolatry: the Divine shows us many faces to help us on our path, these aspects being referred to as the Gods and Goddesses of the different religions. I also wonder if I'm spiritually mature enough to bypass the myriad faces of it and directly contemplate the Divine.
4. I still believe this. Indeed, I'm getting nudged now.
5. I still consider these virtues important and at the core of my expression of morality. Not that I'm always very good at adhering to them.
6. I maintain my special relationship with Odin, but not so much with Freya as my life has changed. I'm no longer a single woman and a warrior, I'm a matron and a mother. I think I'll always be a scholar and creative with words, my other bonds with Odin, though, regardless of whether I think he's a God, a face of the Divine, or an ancestral spirit who turns back to give me a helping hand.
7. The same.
8. More or less. I'm not quite the optimist I was in my youth.
9. I still rather believe this, but I don't think it will be our civilization that pulls it off. We have too many problems here to fix first. It certainly won't get going in my lifetime.
10. Absolutely
11. Yes, but with the caveat that evolution is not directional. We are evolving, but not necessarily on some sort of inevitable upward/forward path.
12. Yes, but I have also come to realize that it is only the rare and fortunate who are blessed with multiple partners, and that love is work, too, when you love people and not just your idea of them.
13. Yes, but I've been on a lone road spiritually for quite a while now. Really could use some of that companionship again, but need to figure myself out and what this nudge means first.
14. Sort of. In keeping with my recognition of the lack of directionality to evolution, I see the rise and fall of human civilization as somewhat cyclical. Hopefully the next curve will proceed in a spiral and not just loop back on us. Though frankly as a mother I have other priorities than fighting the good fight if it comes to it. I'll get out of Dodge first, and/or concern myself only with the defense of my kin. I'll fight for the future of my daughter and any future children with all that's in me. The rest of the world can go to metaphorical hell in a handbasket.
Spiritually I was probably at my most content of my entire adult life. Given my current semi-seeker status, I thought it might be good to contemplate what my 20 year old younger self believed.
What do I believe?
1. I believe there are many paths to spiritual fulfillment.
2. I believe we have many lives in which to learn the lessons of this world.
3. I believe the Gods are those who walked the path before us, then turned back to show us the way.
4. I believe I must walk my path myself. I may get a nudge every now and then, a hand to help me when I stumble, but I must make the journey under my own power.
5. I believe in adhering to the Nine Noble Virtues: Truth, Courage, Honor, Perseverance, HOspitality, Self-reliance, Fidelity, Industriousness, and Discipline.
6. I believe Freya and Odin especially are my guides on the path which is becoming.
7. I believe there is much to be learned in this life.
8. I believe the world is a good place, and getting better all the time.
9. I believe the cosmic purpose of the human race is to spread terrestrial life into the galaxy, and will forward that goal in any way I can.
10. I believe children are the greatest legacy anyone can leave the future. All the accomplishments we have achieved will mean nothing if we are extinct.
11. I believe the human race is still evolving.
12. I believe love is to be shared with many and not just one.
13. I believe there is safety in numbers. It is good to have companions when travelling my path, though some parts I must travel in solitude.
14. I believe we we will suffer another major setback--the Third World War, Ragnarok. I will work in every way I can to delay this, then I will do my share to fight the good fight.
So, that was my spiritual manifesto at age 20. How does it match up with now?
1. The same. The problem remains figuring out which path I belong on.
2. THe same, pretty much. Really I'm pretty agnostic on this point.
3. Notable to me is that at my most content with my religion I didn't actually view the Gods as the Divine, per se. Actually had very little thought about Divinity at all, at least in my manifesto. Now? I lean towards monolatry: the Divine shows us many faces to help us on our path, these aspects being referred to as the Gods and Goddesses of the different religions. I also wonder if I'm spiritually mature enough to bypass the myriad faces of it and directly contemplate the Divine.
4. I still believe this. Indeed, I'm getting nudged now.
5. I still consider these virtues important and at the core of my expression of morality. Not that I'm always very good at adhering to them.
6. I maintain my special relationship with Odin, but not so much with Freya as my life has changed. I'm no longer a single woman and a warrior, I'm a matron and a mother. I think I'll always be a scholar and creative with words, my other bonds with Odin, though, regardless of whether I think he's a God, a face of the Divine, or an ancestral spirit who turns back to give me a helping hand.
7. The same.
8. More or less. I'm not quite the optimist I was in my youth.
9. I still rather believe this, but I don't think it will be our civilization that pulls it off. We have too many problems here to fix first. It certainly won't get going in my lifetime.
10. Absolutely
11. Yes, but with the caveat that evolution is not directional. We are evolving, but not necessarily on some sort of inevitable upward/forward path.
12. Yes, but I have also come to realize that it is only the rare and fortunate who are blessed with multiple partners, and that love is work, too, when you love people and not just your idea of them.
13. Yes, but I've been on a lone road spiritually for quite a while now. Really could use some of that companionship again, but need to figure myself out and what this nudge means first.
14. Sort of. In keeping with my recognition of the lack of directionality to evolution, I see the rise and fall of human civilization as somewhat cyclical. Hopefully the next curve will proceed in a spiral and not just loop back on us. Though frankly as a mother I have other priorities than fighting the good fight if it comes to it. I'll get out of Dodge first, and/or concern myself only with the defense of my kin. I'll fight for the future of my daughter and any future children with all that's in me. The rest of the world can go to metaphorical hell in a handbasket.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Belief-o-matic
Beliefnet has a quiz that identifies religions closest to one's stated beliefs. Yeah, a bit hokey, but kind of helps me identify what's going on in my head.
Here were my results this afternoon, everything that rated over 75%:
1. Bahá'í Faith (100%)
2. Sikhism (96%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (95%)
4. Neo-Pagan (94%)
5. Reform Judaism (92%)
6. Mahayana Buddhism (92%)
7. Liberal Quakers (90%)
8. Jainism (89%)
9. Orthodox Judaism (88%)
10. Islam (84%)
The results the LAST time I took the quiz:
1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. Sikhism (97%)
3. Reform Judaism (95%)
4. Bahá'í Faith (94%)
5. Mahayana Buddhism (92%)
6. Orthodox Judaism (92%)
7. Hinduism (90%)
8. Jainism (84%)
9. Unitarian Universalism (83%)
10. Islam (81%)
11. Liberal Quakers (81%)
12. New Age (76%)
So...my thoughts and feelings are less in line with Neo-Paganism than before. Baha'i got the highest rate. I know a little bit about them, I suppose it's not too surprising, though any prophetic religion that young kind of makes me go hmmm.
The list this time was shorter, and Islam, which I've been reading about a lot lately, has climbed in the ranks.
Here were my results this afternoon, everything that rated over 75%:
1. Bahá'í Faith (100%)
2. Sikhism (96%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (95%)
4. Neo-Pagan (94%)
5. Reform Judaism (92%)
6. Mahayana Buddhism (92%)
7. Liberal Quakers (90%)
8. Jainism (89%)
9. Orthodox Judaism (88%)
10. Islam (84%)
The results the LAST time I took the quiz:
1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. Sikhism (97%)
3. Reform Judaism (95%)
4. Bahá'í Faith (94%)
5. Mahayana Buddhism (92%)
6. Orthodox Judaism (92%)
7. Hinduism (90%)
8. Jainism (84%)
9. Unitarian Universalism (83%)
10. Islam (81%)
11. Liberal Quakers (81%)
12. New Age (76%)
So...my thoughts and feelings are less in line with Neo-Paganism than before. Baha'i got the highest rate. I know a little bit about them, I suppose it's not too surprising, though any prophetic religion that young kind of makes me go hmmm.
The list this time was shorter, and Islam, which I've been reading about a lot lately, has climbed in the ranks.
Back to that modesty thing, and turning inward
I've been feeling a bit adrift lately. Maybe it's because all the reading I've been doing has been a bit gloom-and-doom: Silent Spring by Rachel Carson, and Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed by Jared Diamond.
However, it's also because I kept telling myself I'd have/make more time for spiritual things once I graduated from college. But what have I been doing? First, I obsessed over my diet for a while (procrastinating, though also an important issue) got busy in a frenzy of sewing to prepare for Estrella War (procrastinating). Then, I got fixated on my dearth of housekeeping skills. With my new job, my new organizational leaf so hopefully turned over has been decidedly overturned.
With the weather warming up, I get back to my wardrobe. I bought myself a couple of blouses and a pair of pants that actually fit yesterday, all suitable for summer wear. I've been altering my existing things to make them more suitable--making some of my cami's extra long and cutting others into bras.
But I get the feeling my clothing issues (and probably the food and household organization thing, too) are just symptoms of my need to focus on what's really going on: my sense of dissatisfaction with my religious and spiritual life. And ultimately, I think I need to focus on the spiritual side of that, because this is about turning inward.
The question is, how to go about it? I usually attack things in this arena on 2 fronts: study in my own faith, and study someone else's. With this modest dress kick, the "someone else's" currently on my radar is Islam. I've been reading some thoughtful and inspiring blogs by Muslimahs lately. I'm probably going to go back and re-read the Qu'ran as soon as I'm done reading Silent Spring (which I'm pretty sure is overdue at the library).
For the "my own" portion of this, I'm reading the sagas. Every night before bed, no matter how tired I am, I'm working on reading the sagas. It's about making time for it. No more PROCRASTINATING!
However, it's also because I kept telling myself I'd have/make more time for spiritual things once I graduated from college. But what have I been doing? First, I obsessed over my diet for a while (procrastinating, though also an important issue) got busy in a frenzy of sewing to prepare for Estrella War (procrastinating). Then, I got fixated on my dearth of housekeeping skills. With my new job, my new organizational leaf so hopefully turned over has been decidedly overturned.
With the weather warming up, I get back to my wardrobe. I bought myself a couple of blouses and a pair of pants that actually fit yesterday, all suitable for summer wear. I've been altering my existing things to make them more suitable--making some of my cami's extra long and cutting others into bras.
But I get the feeling my clothing issues (and probably the food and household organization thing, too) are just symptoms of my need to focus on what's really going on: my sense of dissatisfaction with my religious and spiritual life. And ultimately, I think I need to focus on the spiritual side of that, because this is about turning inward.
The question is, how to go about it? I usually attack things in this arena on 2 fronts: study in my own faith, and study someone else's. With this modest dress kick, the "someone else's" currently on my radar is Islam. I've been reading some thoughtful and inspiring blogs by Muslimahs lately. I'm probably going to go back and re-read the Qu'ran as soon as I'm done reading Silent Spring (which I'm pretty sure is overdue at the library).
For the "my own" portion of this, I'm reading the sagas. Every night before bed, no matter how tired I am, I'm working on reading the sagas. It's about making time for it. No more PROCRASTINATING!
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Full Time
Well, my new chore system has officially descended into havoc, because I started working full time. I quit working for Scary Chick Publications Lady and went to work for Jenny, who is nice and not flaky and I know is on the same page with me about my caring for her daughter.
Which is great. Now, I will be spending 50 hours a week at Jenny's house. The up side to this is that I will dirty very few dishes, use very few groceries, and Luthien will have limited time to wreak havoc on the house. Luthien plays so hard with Maggie that she's exhausted and goes to bed right after dinner.
The downside is that I'm rather exhausted and tend to just drop stuff upon coming in the door, and need to go to bed at like 8PM, which means making it to SCA meetings is highly unlikely.
So, do I re-write the darn thing, table it until May, or just not sleep again for 3 months?
On the up side of other parts of my life, it looks like corporate politics are swinging towards David getting a promotion soon because his store isn't performing well enough to have as many managers as it does, and he's better qualified than the assistant manager to get promoted.
On the down side, one of the positions he may be up for involves traveling all over the country to open new stores. Only up side of that is that it pays better than a promotion to GM would. The down side is I'll see even less of him than I am while he is leaving for work every day at 2:30 AM (2 hours before I get up) and getting home in time to go to bed by the time I get home around sixish.
Which is great. Now, I will be spending 50 hours a week at Jenny's house. The up side to this is that I will dirty very few dishes, use very few groceries, and Luthien will have limited time to wreak havoc on the house. Luthien plays so hard with Maggie that she's exhausted and goes to bed right after dinner.
The downside is that I'm rather exhausted and tend to just drop stuff upon coming in the door, and need to go to bed at like 8PM, which means making it to SCA meetings is highly unlikely.
So, do I re-write the darn thing, table it until May, or just not sleep again for 3 months?
On the up side of other parts of my life, it looks like corporate politics are swinging towards David getting a promotion soon because his store isn't performing well enough to have as many managers as it does, and he's better qualified than the assistant manager to get promoted.
On the down side, one of the positions he may be up for involves traveling all over the country to open new stores. Only up side of that is that it pays better than a promotion to GM would. The down side is I'll see even less of him than I am while he is leaving for work every day at 2:30 AM (2 hours before I get up) and getting home in time to go to bed by the time I get home around sixish.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
So far, so good
It's week 2 of my new chore planning system.
I've gotten all my weekly chores done.
I'm thinking about quitting my new part-time nanny job because I might have a full-time one that pays a little better in the offing. I'll know tomorrow. I wouldn't just quit because it's less money, mind you. The woman almost fired me last weekend after 2 days of work because, well, she's overprotective of her daughter. Now, I find myself walking on pins and needles around the child for fear of offending her mother and getting fired. Not a good situation, especially when it comes to discipline. Also, I've babysat for the other person I may go work for in the past so we have an established relationship there. Oh, and the woman I'm working for now has Chick Publications stuff in her house, which is downright creepy. Actually, makes me kind of ill. Especially as a lot of that stuff is racist and her daughter is mixed-race and has some self-image problems (which her mother blames on past caregivers). She'd had some reservations about hiring me because of her church involvement. Well, I have some reservations now about working for her--not because of her religion in general, but because of this specific material in her house.
How do I know what's in those comics? I read them all in my grandpa's bookstore one summer.
I'm PMS'ing, staying up too late, and questioning everything about my life. I really wish I'd stop doing that.
Oh, and my dad had another heart attack but not as bad as the last one and they stuck a stint in his clogged artery. Dad, next time, go to the doctor when you're not feeling well, don't wait for the chest pains. Pretty please?
I've gotten all my weekly chores done.
I'm thinking about quitting my new part-time nanny job because I might have a full-time one that pays a little better in the offing. I'll know tomorrow. I wouldn't just quit because it's less money, mind you. The woman almost fired me last weekend after 2 days of work because, well, she's overprotective of her daughter. Now, I find myself walking on pins and needles around the child for fear of offending her mother and getting fired. Not a good situation, especially when it comes to discipline. Also, I've babysat for the other person I may go work for in the past so we have an established relationship there. Oh, and the woman I'm working for now has Chick Publications stuff in her house, which is downright creepy. Actually, makes me kind of ill. Especially as a lot of that stuff is racist and her daughter is mixed-race and has some self-image problems (which her mother blames on past caregivers). She'd had some reservations about hiring me because of her church involvement. Well, I have some reservations now about working for her--not because of her religion in general, but because of this specific material in her house.
How do I know what's in those comics? I read them all in my grandpa's bookstore one summer.
I'm PMS'ing, staying up too late, and questioning everything about my life. I really wish I'd stop doing that.
Oh, and my dad had another heart attack but not as bad as the last one and they stuck a stint in his clogged artery. Dad, next time, go to the doctor when you're not feeling well, don't wait for the chest pains. Pretty please?
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Sunday, November 26, 2006
I've got food issues
I became a vegetarian a little over 4 years ago. I did this for several reasons:
1. I tried it out and felt healthier, started losing weight
2. Ethical issues regarding factory farming
3. I had a huge crush on a girlfriend who was a strict vegan, which was why I gave it a try in the first place.
Well, here I am 4 years later:
1. I've been gaining weight despite being pretty active. I have mondo sugar cravings that I indulge way too often, and I know my diet is a bit out of whack because it's got too much carbs and not enough things like fruits and veggies.
2. I still have ethical issues about factory farming, but compromise them all the time for dairy products so I'm being a bit hypocritical there.
3. The aforementioned friends cut me off a couple of years ago and no longer speak to me.
So, I'm thinking about eating meat again. Not a lot of meat, and preferably organic/free range meat from animals that have been humanely treated. Probably not all that often. Humane meat is also healthier meat, ditto with dairy. I think, though, that I might just start with some wings, eating out with DH.
At the same time, I'm going to start getting a grip on my sugar intake, and keep working on minimizing processed foods in our diet. I've done it before, I can do it again. Lucky Luthien gets to go along for the ride.
1. I tried it out and felt healthier, started losing weight
2. Ethical issues regarding factory farming
3. I had a huge crush on a girlfriend who was a strict vegan, which was why I gave it a try in the first place.
Well, here I am 4 years later:
1. I've been gaining weight despite being pretty active. I have mondo sugar cravings that I indulge way too often, and I know my diet is a bit out of whack because it's got too much carbs and not enough things like fruits and veggies.
2. I still have ethical issues about factory farming, but compromise them all the time for dairy products so I'm being a bit hypocritical there.
3. The aforementioned friends cut me off a couple of years ago and no longer speak to me.
So, I'm thinking about eating meat again. Not a lot of meat, and preferably organic/free range meat from animals that have been humanely treated. Probably not all that often. Humane meat is also healthier meat, ditto with dairy. I think, though, that I might just start with some wings, eating out with DH.
At the same time, I'm going to start getting a grip on my sugar intake, and keep working on minimizing processed foods in our diet. I've done it before, I can do it again. Lucky Luthien gets to go along for the ride.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
The Compact
I have found a concious and formal way of doing this simplifying thing. I am joining the Compact.
Quoted from the Compact yahoogroup:
" The Compact has several aims (more or less prioritized below):
To go beyond recycling in trying to counteract the negative global environmental and socioeconomic impacts of disposable consumer culture and to support local businesses, farms, etc. -- a step that, we hope, inherits the revolutionary impulse of the Mayflower Compact.
To reduce clutter and waste in our homes (as in trash Compact-er).
To simplify our lives (as in Calm-pact)
We've agreed to follow two principles (see exceptions etc. on our blog).#1 Don't buy new products of any kind (from stores, web sites, etc.)#2 Borrow, barter, or buy used."
The exceptions to this are food, health items, and so forth. I am also putting a few more things on my list of exceptions, but with limits on them:
1. New shoes acceptable, but only from small company that manufactures and sells directly, preferably that makes the shoes by hand.
2. Notions to do sewing projects with fabric obtained used or from SAS or that I already have.
3. Fabric. Used or from SAS, which sells factory ends. No Jo-Ann's sales rack for me!
4. Car parts if unavailable refurbished. I'm buying a used car soon and I need to keep it running reliably.
5. A tassel and graduation announcements. I am trying to find a robe secondhand, though.
Additionally, I'm continuing with the stuff from my previous post. To reduce waste, I've been using cloth menstrual pads, and I'm using cloth wipes at home instead of toilet paper. What can I say, I miss washing diapers now that Luthien is potty trained.
None of this stuff applies to anyone in the house except me. Luthien is coming along for the ride, but then I've already bought most of her Christmas/Yule presents.
I have found a concious and formal way of doing this simplifying thing. I am joining the Compact.
Quoted from the Compact yahoogroup:
" The Compact has several aims (more or less prioritized below):
To go beyond recycling in trying to counteract the negative global environmental and socioeconomic impacts of disposable consumer culture and to support local businesses, farms, etc. -- a step that, we hope, inherits the revolutionary impulse of the Mayflower Compact.
To reduce clutter and waste in our homes (as in trash Compact-er).
To simplify our lives (as in Calm-pact)
We've agreed to follow two principles (see exceptions etc. on our blog).#1 Don't buy new products of any kind (from stores, web sites, etc.)#2 Borrow, barter, or buy used."
The exceptions to this are food, health items, and so forth. I am also putting a few more things on my list of exceptions, but with limits on them:
1. New shoes acceptable, but only from small company that manufactures and sells directly, preferably that makes the shoes by hand.
2. Notions to do sewing projects with fabric obtained used or from SAS or that I already have.
3. Fabric. Used or from SAS, which sells factory ends. No Jo-Ann's sales rack for me!
4. Car parts if unavailable refurbished. I'm buying a used car soon and I need to keep it running reliably.
5. A tassel and graduation announcements. I am trying to find a robe secondhand, though.
Additionally, I'm continuing with the stuff from my previous post. To reduce waste, I've been using cloth menstrual pads, and I'm using cloth wipes at home instead of toilet paper. What can I say, I miss washing diapers now that Luthien is potty trained.
None of this stuff applies to anyone in the house except me. Luthien is coming along for the ride, but then I've already bought most of her Christmas/Yule presents.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Simplifying
For years now, I have yearned to simplify my life. Time was, it actually was pretty simple. The height of simplicity in my adult life was probably when I was living aboard ship.
Now, though, I need to find a self-driven way of simplifying. There are three areas I think I can conciously work on in the immediate future: Money, Time, and Consumption.
Regarding money, I have been trying to give careful thought to what I spend it on. I need to save for my upcoming move, and I have debts I want to pay off. Indeed, debt is looming so large I am really starting to think paying it off would be more fulfilling to me than going to graduate school (which will just run up more debt).
Tied into money, of course, is consumption. But it's not just how much I spend on things, it's what things I choose to spend my money on. Do I buy canned beans, or dry? Both can sit on a shelf, but one has a lot more energy and packaging gone into it, in addition to being more expensive. I've tried to whittle away at little things, especially in my diet. I don't drink sodas, just water. I don't buy a bottle of water every time I'm thirsty, I refill the one I already have.
I'm making a commitment this semester to pack my lunch rather than eat out. And to rely on planning rather than convenience foods, and get back to more whole foods.
I'm also trying to reduce the packaging on things I buy. I try to remember to take my canvas shopping bags (and if I don't, I get paper so I can recycle it). I need to buy loose produce, instead of wrapped-in-shiny-plastic produce. This can be aggravating when I'd like to buy organic, because they tend to overpackage the organics.
I start school tomorrow, so new semester, chance for forming new habits. I put a full tank of gas in the car for DH. I'm going to try not to use more gas in the next few months than I just paid for! I've been driving more places lately because my bike has a flat tire and we don't have the tools at home to get the rear wheel off--it's kind of rusty and won't respond to my attempts with a wrench, and our socket set is AWOL.
Things I've given up the past few years:
Meat
Soda pop
Things I'm fasting on for the rest of this year:
Cold breakfast cereal (yes, i usually buy healthy kinds, but it's expensive!)
Fast food
Any non-organic boxed meal (no more Kraft mac and cheese; At least Annie's or TJ's brand has less junk in it, and it's still only a buck for a box).
Things that come out of vending machines
We'll start with that.
For years now, I have yearned to simplify my life. Time was, it actually was pretty simple. The height of simplicity in my adult life was probably when I was living aboard ship.
Now, though, I need to find a self-driven way of simplifying. There are three areas I think I can conciously work on in the immediate future: Money, Time, and Consumption.
Regarding money, I have been trying to give careful thought to what I spend it on. I need to save for my upcoming move, and I have debts I want to pay off. Indeed, debt is looming so large I am really starting to think paying it off would be more fulfilling to me than going to graduate school (which will just run up more debt).
Tied into money, of course, is consumption. But it's not just how much I spend on things, it's what things I choose to spend my money on. Do I buy canned beans, or dry? Both can sit on a shelf, but one has a lot more energy and packaging gone into it, in addition to being more expensive. I've tried to whittle away at little things, especially in my diet. I don't drink sodas, just water. I don't buy a bottle of water every time I'm thirsty, I refill the one I already have.
I'm making a commitment this semester to pack my lunch rather than eat out. And to rely on planning rather than convenience foods, and get back to more whole foods.
I'm also trying to reduce the packaging on things I buy. I try to remember to take my canvas shopping bags (and if I don't, I get paper so I can recycle it). I need to buy loose produce, instead of wrapped-in-shiny-plastic produce. This can be aggravating when I'd like to buy organic, because they tend to overpackage the organics.
I start school tomorrow, so new semester, chance for forming new habits. I put a full tank of gas in the car for DH. I'm going to try not to use more gas in the next few months than I just paid for! I've been driving more places lately because my bike has a flat tire and we don't have the tools at home to get the rear wheel off--it's kind of rusty and won't respond to my attempts with a wrench, and our socket set is AWOL.
Things I've given up the past few years:
Meat
Soda pop
Things I'm fasting on for the rest of this year:
Cold breakfast cereal (yes, i usually buy healthy kinds, but it's expensive!)
Fast food
Any non-organic boxed meal (no more Kraft mac and cheese; At least Annie's or TJ's brand has less junk in it, and it's still only a buck for a box).
Things that come out of vending machines
We'll start with that.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
VICTORY POEM
This is the poem I composed after the last missile was launched:
Eight Tomahawks /We sent to smite
My Lady speed them /Fierce in flight
Sea-death falls /Hard from the sky
With Sig-Father's might /Our foes to strike
Straight to Hell /Those cowards sent
Ravens dine in rubble /Twin brothers avenged.
This is the poem I composed after the last missile was launched:
Eight Tomahawks /We sent to smite
My Lady speed them /Fierce in flight
Sea-death falls /Hard from the sky
With Sig-Father's might /Our foes to strike
Straight to Hell /Those cowards sent
Ravens dine in rubble /Twin brothers avenged.
"America Strikes Back"
Here is a journal entry in my notebook that I wrote when my ship launched Tomahawk Missiles at Afghanistan in Operation Enduring Freedom in Oct. 2001. It's really raw stuff:
"AMERICA STRIKES BACK"
There's a party atmosphere on the messdecks. It makes sense, because they're doing the Hispanic Heritage Month dinner. The flan was really good.
In a few hours, the President will address the nation. Right now, I and my shipmates are among the privileged few who actually know what's goin gon. The Captain made the announcement this morning, but we knew something was up night before last, because we went to opseccon 1. here in River City, something was happening. It was imperative to ensure Mom, Dad, CNN, and our targets didn't know what was up. But not hearing from us likely clues them in that something is up.
So this morning, the Captain announced that we're going to shoot this evening, Oct. 7, 26 days after the World Trade Center fell, we're going to shoot. he didn't specify what weapon, nor at what. Tomahawks. Afghnanistan. Specifically, bin Laden's organization. And Marines are landing in Pakistan. Sure hope Pakistan change their minds at the last minute. Hope we take out the Taliban, too.
Stressful boredom has given way to anticipation. Soon, the release. We'll blow our load and go home.
But other will stay. I'll be able to say, "I was at the tip of the spear. I was there. I saw them press the button that we hoped would blow that deranged asshole to Judgement Day. may Allah give him his reward. Lots of hellfire in the Qu'ran.
It's only the beginning, of course. We probably won't get him today. And if we do they'll make a martyr of him, and convince more men that Allah wants them to force widows to starve in the streets and turn innocent men, women, and children into suicide bombers to blow up more innocent people.
No one with as much money as bin Laden has any right to be critical of capitalism.
No doubt there will be more terrorist attacks. my fellow servicement will fight and die to stop it. that is honorable and just. Afghan men will fight them because their country is under attack, and our ships and military personnel will be targeted. That, too, is honorable. but will they make baby-killers of this generation of warriors? The enemy has already done it to his men. But will they do it to us? Or did our leaders learn their lesson in the free-fire zones of Vietnam?
We fight an enemy without honor. I only hope that we will fight them with honor.
If that's even possible in the 21st century.
I have a deep sense of sorrow about this. I felt the same when I watched the second tower collapse, when I saw the name of the first person confirmed dead at the Pentagon. I do remember he was a third class petty officer, though I don't recall his name. but when we launch, there will be a lot of people dead, and for a couple of hours, they'll either not know, or they will be afraid.
Most of them hate us. But at least some of them will be innocents. "collateral damage" People in the wrong place at the right time. Such is the nature of weapons of mass destruction.
There is no McDonald's in Afghanistan.
They're directing the P-3 into position for a photo op. Wave, Carl Vinson. Mom and Dad and your wife will see you on CNN.
1820. Viewing area on the fantail. Plenty of cameras. 8 missiles. Going North. McFaul & some others will launch, too. Including a sub.
At 1820, it's our turn to commit an act of war. Somehow I doubt our initial body count will be as devastating. Do we hit the Taliban's stronghold in the capital? Or just the tent cities of bin Laden's terrorist camps, so easily abandoned? Will we hit Afghan air strips and military bases? Or a pharmeceuticals factory? A suburban neighborhood, the women cowering powerlessly in their houses? On purpose or by mistake? John McCain promised we would show no mercy. But destroying the Taliban is an act of mercy to the majority of people in Afghanistan. Maybe I'll go teach, when this slows down. i'll teach Afghan girls how to empower themselves. Or better, I'll teach their mothers and THEY will teach their daughters.
But I suppose not. They'll do it themselves. If we give them the chance.
Shit like this wouldn't happen if women ruled the world.
I wonderwhat Amy will think when I tell her I was sitting 15 feet away when they pressed the button to launch those offensive missiles?
I think after I finish college I'll join the Peace Corps. I wonder what David would think of that. Of course, the Peace Corps. might have to wait until I raise my children.
$35K a year.
Ooh, now we're launching 9 missiles, not 8. I wonder what last-minute target they'll assign us?
They're organized enough to crash our passenger planes into our national monuments, and the narrow-minded disregard to blow up their own, but are they organized enough to attack our ships at sea--a sensible act of war rather than a senseless one?
Our current TAO is a dork. He's the new CHENG. The CV told us to turn off our SPY in a sector around them. Ha-ha. We're so good, they think we have Spy-1.
Five minutes, and one of our idiots is flying up north of us.
Three minutes. I wonder what it will feel like? Idiot is heading west. Prudent of him.
A bang and a rush, and I couldn't help grinning.
Again with the 2nd. They're stealthy. My video is intermittent. there's one, and the 2nd. #2 is 24 miles away. I lost #1. Nothing past 24 mi. I lose video.
Here we go w/ #3...
And #4...They won't let me put tracks on them. :(
I followed that last one for 50 nm before I lost video
And here goes #5... Now it feels almost routine. And #6...
Oh, we're back down to launching 8. Someone actually put a track on #5. "NUMBER FIVE IS ALIVE!"
Oh, they dropped it.
12 minute wait until #7...I wish I could see some of 'em launch. Oh, well, I'm on watch. The rest seems anticlimactic. Not that #7 or 8 is likely to be any less calamitous at its destination. And I can feel the vaginal juices sliding out. I'm ovulating, and I guess my body is responding to the excitement.
I wonder if any of the guys has a hard-on.
And #7...
And #8. See poem.
In about 70 minutes they will start landing.
I'm horny.
And now the missiles are hitting the target. On this end, an anticlimax.
Here is a journal entry in my notebook that I wrote when my ship launched Tomahawk Missiles at Afghanistan in Operation Enduring Freedom in Oct. 2001. It's really raw stuff:
"AMERICA STRIKES BACK"
There's a party atmosphere on the messdecks. It makes sense, because they're doing the Hispanic Heritage Month dinner. The flan was really good.
In a few hours, the President will address the nation. Right now, I and my shipmates are among the privileged few who actually know what's goin gon. The Captain made the announcement this morning, but we knew something was up night before last, because we went to opseccon 1. here in River City, something was happening. It was imperative to ensure Mom, Dad, CNN, and our targets didn't know what was up. But not hearing from us likely clues them in that something is up.
So this morning, the Captain announced that we're going to shoot this evening, Oct. 7, 26 days after the World Trade Center fell, we're going to shoot. he didn't specify what weapon, nor at what. Tomahawks. Afghnanistan. Specifically, bin Laden's organization. And Marines are landing in Pakistan. Sure hope Pakistan change their minds at the last minute. Hope we take out the Taliban, too.
Stressful boredom has given way to anticipation. Soon, the release. We'll blow our load and go home.
But other will stay. I'll be able to say, "I was at the tip of the spear. I was there. I saw them press the button that we hoped would blow that deranged asshole to Judgement Day. may Allah give him his reward. Lots of hellfire in the Qu'ran.
It's only the beginning, of course. We probably won't get him today. And if we do they'll make a martyr of him, and convince more men that Allah wants them to force widows to starve in the streets and turn innocent men, women, and children into suicide bombers to blow up more innocent people.
No one with as much money as bin Laden has any right to be critical of capitalism.
No doubt there will be more terrorist attacks. my fellow servicement will fight and die to stop it. that is honorable and just. Afghan men will fight them because their country is under attack, and our ships and military personnel will be targeted. That, too, is honorable. but will they make baby-killers of this generation of warriors? The enemy has already done it to his men. But will they do it to us? Or did our leaders learn their lesson in the free-fire zones of Vietnam?
We fight an enemy without honor. I only hope that we will fight them with honor.
If that's even possible in the 21st century.
I have a deep sense of sorrow about this. I felt the same when I watched the second tower collapse, when I saw the name of the first person confirmed dead at the Pentagon. I do remember he was a third class petty officer, though I don't recall his name. but when we launch, there will be a lot of people dead, and for a couple of hours, they'll either not know, or they will be afraid.
Most of them hate us. But at least some of them will be innocents. "collateral damage" People in the wrong place at the right time. Such is the nature of weapons of mass destruction.
There is no McDonald's in Afghanistan.
They're directing the P-3 into position for a photo op. Wave, Carl Vinson. Mom and Dad and your wife will see you on CNN.
1820. Viewing area on the fantail. Plenty of cameras. 8 missiles. Going North. McFaul & some others will launch, too. Including a sub.
At 1820, it's our turn to commit an act of war. Somehow I doubt our initial body count will be as devastating. Do we hit the Taliban's stronghold in the capital? Or just the tent cities of bin Laden's terrorist camps, so easily abandoned? Will we hit Afghan air strips and military bases? Or a pharmeceuticals factory? A suburban neighborhood, the women cowering powerlessly in their houses? On purpose or by mistake? John McCain promised we would show no mercy. But destroying the Taliban is an act of mercy to the majority of people in Afghanistan. Maybe I'll go teach, when this slows down. i'll teach Afghan girls how to empower themselves. Or better, I'll teach their mothers and THEY will teach their daughters.
But I suppose not. They'll do it themselves. If we give them the chance.
Shit like this wouldn't happen if women ruled the world.
I wonderwhat Amy will think when I tell her I was sitting 15 feet away when they pressed the button to launch those offensive missiles?
I think after I finish college I'll join the Peace Corps. I wonder what David would think of that. Of course, the Peace Corps. might have to wait until I raise my children.
$35K a year.
Ooh, now we're launching 9 missiles, not 8. I wonder what last-minute target they'll assign us?
They're organized enough to crash our passenger planes into our national monuments, and the narrow-minded disregard to blow up their own, but are they organized enough to attack our ships at sea--a sensible act of war rather than a senseless one?
Our current TAO is a dork. He's the new CHENG. The CV told us to turn off our SPY in a sector around them. Ha-ha. We're so good, they think we have Spy-1.
Five minutes, and one of our idiots is flying up north of us.
Three minutes. I wonder what it will feel like? Idiot is heading west. Prudent of him.
A bang and a rush, and I couldn't help grinning.
Again with the 2nd. They're stealthy. My video is intermittent. there's one, and the 2nd. #2 is 24 miles away. I lost #1. Nothing past 24 mi. I lose video.
Here we go w/ #3...
And #4...They won't let me put tracks on them. :(
I followed that last one for 50 nm before I lost video
And here goes #5... Now it feels almost routine. And #6...
Oh, we're back down to launching 8. Someone actually put a track on #5. "NUMBER FIVE IS ALIVE!"
Oh, they dropped it.
12 minute wait until #7...I wish I could see some of 'em launch. Oh, well, I'm on watch. The rest seems anticlimactic. Not that #7 or 8 is likely to be any less calamitous at its destination. And I can feel the vaginal juices sliding out. I'm ovulating, and I guess my body is responding to the excitement.
I wonder if any of the guys has a hard-on.
And #7...
And #8. See poem.
In about 70 minutes they will start landing.
I'm horny.
And now the missiles are hitting the target. On this end, an anticlimax.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Modesty, Part 2
Wendy Shalit's general description of the ways women are uncomfortable with contemporary sexual politics don't apply to me particularly well. Though I waited until 18 to "give it up" and lose my virginity, my primary reason for doing so was curiosity. I chose a guy I thought was good looking and suspected would be good in bed. We rented a hotel room, and I made him wait until after Star Trek.
At the time, I identified myself as lesbian. After having sex with several guys, seeing as I enjoyed it, I amended my self-labeling to "bisexual". A while later, I added "polyamorous" to that list.
I won't go into all the details of my sexual exploits while I was in the Navy, but suffice to say that my reasons for having sex were largely recreational. To quote a quote in Wendy's book from SexLife magazine, "These women can enjoy sex for sex's sake even when there's no romantic backdrop, no promise of love or talk of commitment." I was that sort. Apparently, it makes me wierd.
I did seem to have a somewhat masculine streak in my sexual worldview. I had no problem with "hooking up", never got dumped because I never got involved. Sure, I usually wanted to know a guy a bit first. I liked sex with buddies, not with strangers. But I wasn't looking for romance. I wasn't ready to settle down, not by a long shot.
And even when I did want a bit of romance, I didn't want a "one and only." I frankly thought it was kind of gross and annoying the way some people wrap themselves up in each other to the exclusion of the rest of the world.
When I did go looking for commitment, it wasn't for love or romance. It was out of baby-craziness. I wanted a partner to raise children with. My main concerns were economic security and emotional stability, not romance.
Shalit posits a thought experiment:
"Women, when no one else is around, do you secretly long for a whole series of men; to arbitrarily marry one of them and then maybe have affairs, maybe not--to be cool and wait and see if anyone better comes along, and then divorce--or do you long for one enduring love?"
My answer is a big fat "no" on both counts. I didn't long for a whole series of men. though I did enjoy their company as they came and went in my life. With the exception of one who followed me home like a lost puppy then departed like a tornado when dismissed for being an unstable boor, I would be pleasantly surprised if I ran into any of them again.
And while I would prefer a life of enduring love, I would prefer to have several, who at the least mutually respect one another. The constitutional desire for exclusivity that Shalit wraps up with ideas of sexual modesty don't really pertain to me. Yet I have still, in general, preferred to dress modestly. At times, this expressed itself in butch leanings to T-shirts and jeans, a motorcycle jacket, and other men's clothing. Other times, including the past couple of years, I have preferred long, full skirts.
Wendy Shalit's general description of the ways women are uncomfortable with contemporary sexual politics don't apply to me particularly well. Though I waited until 18 to "give it up" and lose my virginity, my primary reason for doing so was curiosity. I chose a guy I thought was good looking and suspected would be good in bed. We rented a hotel room, and I made him wait until after Star Trek.
At the time, I identified myself as lesbian. After having sex with several guys, seeing as I enjoyed it, I amended my self-labeling to "bisexual". A while later, I added "polyamorous" to that list.
I won't go into all the details of my sexual exploits while I was in the Navy, but suffice to say that my reasons for having sex were largely recreational. To quote a quote in Wendy's book from SexLife magazine, "These women can enjoy sex for sex's sake even when there's no romantic backdrop, no promise of love or talk of commitment." I was that sort. Apparently, it makes me wierd.
I did seem to have a somewhat masculine streak in my sexual worldview. I had no problem with "hooking up", never got dumped because I never got involved. Sure, I usually wanted to know a guy a bit first. I liked sex with buddies, not with strangers. But I wasn't looking for romance. I wasn't ready to settle down, not by a long shot.
And even when I did want a bit of romance, I didn't want a "one and only." I frankly thought it was kind of gross and annoying the way some people wrap themselves up in each other to the exclusion of the rest of the world.
When I did go looking for commitment, it wasn't for love or romance. It was out of baby-craziness. I wanted a partner to raise children with. My main concerns were economic security and emotional stability, not romance.
Shalit posits a thought experiment:
"Women, when no one else is around, do you secretly long for a whole series of men; to arbitrarily marry one of them and then maybe have affairs, maybe not--to be cool and wait and see if anyone better comes along, and then divorce--or do you long for one enduring love?"
My answer is a big fat "no" on both counts. I didn't long for a whole series of men. though I did enjoy their company as they came and went in my life. With the exception of one who followed me home like a lost puppy then departed like a tornado when dismissed for being an unstable boor, I would be pleasantly surprised if I ran into any of them again.
And while I would prefer a life of enduring love, I would prefer to have several, who at the least mutually respect one another. The constitutional desire for exclusivity that Shalit wraps up with ideas of sexual modesty don't really pertain to me. Yet I have still, in general, preferred to dress modestly. At times, this expressed itself in butch leanings to T-shirts and jeans, a motorcycle jacket, and other men's clothing. Other times, including the past couple of years, I have preferred long, full skirts.
Modesty, part I: Sex ed
A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue by Wendy Shalit
I am currently reading this book. It is giving me a great deal of food for thought, and has afforded me an opportunity to elucidate my own thoughts on this subject.
Since I became a mother, I have experienced an increased impulse towards modest dress, including covering my hair. I have been somewhat at a loss as to why. Wendy Shalit's discussion does not rest on any particular religious doctrine or argument, and she has made some valid (and some perhaps not-so-valid) critical points about the society in which we live.
In the first chapter of her book, she takes a stance against sex education in the public schools. At first, this rubbed me the wrong way. I sincerely believe sex ed is important. Young people should be informed and armed with information about sex, safety, and social roles. But then I chewed on the idea some more, and I think she has a point. Often, sex ed in school does not teach things in a developmentally appropriate way. Note I did not say, "age-appropriate". I think that's part of the problem. When dealing with masses of school children, there is a strong tendency to base things on age. Instead, I think sex ed should be the responsibility of parents, who should provide information to their individual children in accordance with their individual maturity and need to know.
For an example of this, I give you the blowjob. At the age of 14, as a high school freshman, I did not know what a "blowjob" was. This despite having borrowed the book "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask" from the public library at the age of 11. (Borrowed, I might add, without checking it out. I was too embarrassed. After all, what if the librarians told my mom?) I knew what fellatio was.
But "blowjob" was a slang term I'd never encountered. So, in my naive and curious way, when someone cracked a joke I didn't get that involved the term, I piped up, "What's a blowjob?"
No one in my little lunch clique would tell me. They all laughed at me instead. Including my best friend, Amy. For the rest of high school, any of my friends asking "Hey, Jodi, what's a blowjob?" would send the whole table into fits of merriment.
I had to go home and ask my mother. I was blessed with the sort of mother one can ask these sorts of questions. It is my staunch belief that parents who aren't that sort are failing their children in the sex ed department. Children don't need a sex ed curriculum. They need parents willing to answer their questions without embarrasment on the part of the adults, sensitive to the fact that the process is unlikely to be without embarassment on the part of the young people.
Years later, my friend Amy pointed out that she hadn't known what a blowjob was, but she'd had the sense to keep her mouth shut about it. While just as naive as I about sexual matters, she was far more socially adept.
A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue by Wendy Shalit
I am currently reading this book. It is giving me a great deal of food for thought, and has afforded me an opportunity to elucidate my own thoughts on this subject.
Since I became a mother, I have experienced an increased impulse towards modest dress, including covering my hair. I have been somewhat at a loss as to why. Wendy Shalit's discussion does not rest on any particular religious doctrine or argument, and she has made some valid (and some perhaps not-so-valid) critical points about the society in which we live.
In the first chapter of her book, she takes a stance against sex education in the public schools. At first, this rubbed me the wrong way. I sincerely believe sex ed is important. Young people should be informed and armed with information about sex, safety, and social roles. But then I chewed on the idea some more, and I think she has a point. Often, sex ed in school does not teach things in a developmentally appropriate way. Note I did not say, "age-appropriate". I think that's part of the problem. When dealing with masses of school children, there is a strong tendency to base things on age. Instead, I think sex ed should be the responsibility of parents, who should provide information to their individual children in accordance with their individual maturity and need to know.
For an example of this, I give you the blowjob. At the age of 14, as a high school freshman, I did not know what a "blowjob" was. This despite having borrowed the book "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask" from the public library at the age of 11. (Borrowed, I might add, without checking it out. I was too embarrassed. After all, what if the librarians told my mom?) I knew what fellatio was.
But "blowjob" was a slang term I'd never encountered. So, in my naive and curious way, when someone cracked a joke I didn't get that involved the term, I piped up, "What's a blowjob?"
No one in my little lunch clique would tell me. They all laughed at me instead. Including my best friend, Amy. For the rest of high school, any of my friends asking "Hey, Jodi, what's a blowjob?" would send the whole table into fits of merriment.
I had to go home and ask my mother. I was blessed with the sort of mother one can ask these sorts of questions. It is my staunch belief that parents who aren't that sort are failing their children in the sex ed department. Children don't need a sex ed curriculum. They need parents willing to answer their questions without embarrasment on the part of the adults, sensitive to the fact that the process is unlikely to be without embarassment on the part of the young people.
Years later, my friend Amy pointed out that she hadn't known what a blowjob was, but she'd had the sense to keep her mouth shut about it. While just as naive as I about sexual matters, she was far more socially adept.
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