Modesty, Part 2
Wendy Shalit's general description of the ways women are uncomfortable with contemporary sexual politics don't apply to me particularly well. Though I waited until 18 to "give it up" and lose my virginity, my primary reason for doing so was curiosity. I chose a guy I thought was good looking and suspected would be good in bed. We rented a hotel room, and I made him wait until after Star Trek.
At the time, I identified myself as lesbian. After having sex with several guys, seeing as I enjoyed it, I amended my self-labeling to "bisexual". A while later, I added "polyamorous" to that list.
I won't go into all the details of my sexual exploits while I was in the Navy, but suffice to say that my reasons for having sex were largely recreational. To quote a quote in Wendy's book from SexLife magazine, "These women can enjoy sex for sex's sake even when there's no romantic backdrop, no promise of love or talk of commitment." I was that sort. Apparently, it makes me wierd.
I did seem to have a somewhat masculine streak in my sexual worldview. I had no problem with "hooking up", never got dumped because I never got involved. Sure, I usually wanted to know a guy a bit first. I liked sex with buddies, not with strangers. But I wasn't looking for romance. I wasn't ready to settle down, not by a long shot.
And even when I did want a bit of romance, I didn't want a "one and only." I frankly thought it was kind of gross and annoying the way some people wrap themselves up in each other to the exclusion of the rest of the world.
When I did go looking for commitment, it wasn't for love or romance. It was out of baby-craziness. I wanted a partner to raise children with. My main concerns were economic security and emotional stability, not romance.
Shalit posits a thought experiment:
"Women, when no one else is around, do you secretly long for a whole series of men; to arbitrarily marry one of them and then maybe have affairs, maybe not--to be cool and wait and see if anyone better comes along, and then divorce--or do you long for one enduring love?"
My answer is a big fat "no" on both counts. I didn't long for a whole series of men. though I did enjoy their company as they came and went in my life. With the exception of one who followed me home like a lost puppy then departed like a tornado when dismissed for being an unstable boor, I would be pleasantly surprised if I ran into any of them again.
And while I would prefer a life of enduring love, I would prefer to have several, who at the least mutually respect one another. The constitutional desire for exclusivity that Shalit wraps up with ideas of sexual modesty don't really pertain to me. Yet I have still, in general, preferred to dress modestly. At times, this expressed itself in butch leanings to T-shirts and jeans, a motorcycle jacket, and other men's clothing. Other times, including the past couple of years, I have preferred long, full skirts.
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